The worst day of my life.

My dearest Kingston,

I am not sure if I am ready to put this into words but I want you to know one day how much I really love you.

You were born at 7:10 pm on May 11th, 2010. Even thought I couldn't nurse your older brother I wanted to try again with you. You latched well and we were trying. But, by the morning your sugars had dropped so low to 1.4, my nurse rushed you out of my room to the NICU. You were immediately put on formula. And, the problems began.

They started you on Similac Advance but you threw it up. Not spit up, throw up. So, they switched you to Similac Alimentum. You hated that too. Within a coupe of days, they started adding a thickener to your formula to keep it down. You had a couple of good days but your alarms kept going off. When you would throw up, you would momentarily stop breathing. Every time your alarms went off you would stay in the NICU 5 more days. The doctors were not too concerned and believed it was all related to being a tad bit premature at 36 weeks and it would resolve itself.

Then, Tuesday May 18th happened, and it was a horrible day.

It started like it had for the past week. I got up with your brother Grayson and got him off to Kindergarten. Then, I got Penny ready to leave with my mom. I left to come see you in the NICU. Your dad was already there. He and your Uncle Chris had gone up early that morning and given you a blessing. Your dad kept texting me on my way there wondering when I was going to be there. I thought it was because he needed to leave to see his back doctor, but I was wrong. He met me in the hallway outside the NICU. He told me things weren't going too well for you today. And that you were in a different spot in the NICU, a more serious area.

The rest is a blur I am trying to forget.

I remember first noticing you had an IV and a feeding tube. There were lots of people around you and I could tell that it was serious. Your coloring wasn't good. You were not pink any longer, you looked very gray. Things started happening so fast. I was told your nurse was feeding you that morning when suddenly you started to projectile puke. Your vital signs plummeted.

I remember the nurses saying they didn't know exacting what the problem was. That they were doing lots of tests and were still waiting for the results. Your stomach was modeling, a swirling blotchy pattern.

I remember them draining your stomach and seeing vial after vial of red blood. Then I was signing consents for you to have blood transfusions. The doctor explained there was no time for us to donate our own blood so we used a donor.

I remember hearing you were having a seizure.

I remember you stopped breathing and they had to resuscitate you and then intubate you.

I remember seeing an x-ray of your stomach. The doctor explained you had air escaping to places it shouldn't. The words Necrotizing Entereocolitis were mentioned but not confirmed.

I remember the doctor saying you were being transferred to a different hospital that had the best NICU in Alberta in case you needed immediate surgery.

Then, there were lots and lots of people. The transfer team from the Foothills hospital arrived and there were nurses, doctors and paramedics everywhere.

I was spinning. I was crying like never before. They were the most painful tears of my life.

Your dad and auntie Jenny were there and all 3 of us were in serious shock. The news kept getting worse. It took 6 hours to get you stable enough to get you in an ambulance to transfer you. We rushed to the parkade to follow you to the next hospital. As we were walking to the car, the sirens started. They were so loud and we knew they were for you. I could see beyond the parkade, I watched the ambulance weave through traffic as fast as they could. It was an incredibly dark moment for me.

When we arrived at the Foothills, we were asked to wait outside until your new doctor could speak to us. About 5 minutes later she came out. She sat with us and the first words she said were, "Your son is critically ill." I will never forget her saying this. I knew what she was trying to tell me. She explained you had Necrotizing Enterocolitis. From your x-ray, you had large pockets of air escaping into your organs where they shouldn't be. Your bowel was enlarged. At any moment, you could perforate and then you would need immediate surgery. The next 48 hours were crucial. You were taken off feedings to give your stomach a rest.

You were fighting for your life my son.

You remained stable for the next 48 hours. It has been 6 days and you are slowly getting better. Your dad and I have been at your bedside almost nonstop. At first you were put on Morphine but that wasn't strong enough so they put you on Fentanyl for the pain. You are on 3 different antibiotics. You are getting your nutrients intravenously to give your stomach a much needed rest. You will not be fed for a minimum of 14 days. You had breathing tubes which were taken out yesterday. You have tubes everywhere and have been pricked over and over and over again. But, you feel nothing. You don't open your eyes hardly at all. You just lie there waiting to feel better. Every day feels like a horrible nightmare for me. I have never been so sad or scared. I beg and pray to my Father in Heaven that you are meant for this life.

If only I could take this pain for you. I love you.